Although I have never had the slightest desire to have children, it is clear that most people do. Some folks will go to unbelievable lengths to have their own biological offspring, even as opposed to adopting.
I recognize that I am the aberrant weird-o here, perhaps even at a genetic level, but I honestly don’t understand… Why do people consciously have children?
Even up to 100 years ago, it was an important practical issue to have lots of kids who could help on the farm, or support the parents when they got too old to be productive. In those days, not having children (just as being an unmarried woman) could be a serious personal disaster. But in these days, those old practical considerations really don’t apply anymore.
Some of my theories on the appeal are;
1) It is “The Thing to Do” and most people don’t even consider an alternative. 2) People feel an emotional imperative to extend their DNA into the future. 3) People want someone to remember them after they are dead, even for a generation or two. 4) The “power” of controlling and directing another human life (for a few years, maybe) is intoxicating. 5) People really believe that between their genes and their superior child-rearing guidance they can generate a person who will materially contribute to the human race. 6) It can be fun to play with a child, and the display of affection from the child feels good (the same basic appeal as a pet). 7) Women want children as a justification for their own existence (“Motherhood” as the sacred mission of the gender), and men accept this requirement as the price for sex and companionship.
I’m not trying to be deliberately grotesque here. I just really don’t understand. Any other theories?
My theory, after reading your post, is that you have some "unresolved issues" and talking to a counselor might be a good idea. :) I agree about those people going to unbelievable lengths to procreate as opposed to adopting, though, but what they do is none of my business and vice versa. I guess I'm one of those live and let live kind of people, unless someone is being hurt, then forget about it. I thought your post was mean and hurtful to loving parents and there's no good reason for it, including your lack of understanding about people who want rich and fulfilling family lives.
PS All of your reasons were either egostical or selfish in some way, there are people like that with children and without. Obviously. I think it would be nice if you apologized. :):)
This is not a subject that I bring up in “polite conversation”, but given the title of this group, I thought that this might be a place where a frank discussion could be had and insights gained. I am sorry if there was any offense, it was honestly not intended.
I am completely comfortable with my own positions and feelings. However, as I had said, I recognize that I am very different from most people. Since my feelings seem to be so radically different from the majority in an area that can be so deeply felt and emotional, I am curious as to what this thing is that I seem to be lacking. I don’t “want it” for myself, I just want to know what it is because to me it seems so irrational. I’m sure that some of the items in my list are BS, but I don’t know which ones, or if there are motivations that I have missed.
Altogether, your reaction is another data-point in my quest for understanding. It tells me that even in an environment where there might be like-minded people, there are not, so I had better be more careful in the future. I guess I may have to write-off this “Appeal of Children” question as one of the Mysteries of the Universe that I’ll never understand, but thanks anyway, you have been informative.
You don't seem *willing* to look at the positive side. This showed there was something going on, besides being childless. I'm not trying to stifle your speech, but think you might want to look a little deeper, within your own self. It's not something I could identify for you or identify with, myself. Not everyone who has children is some hero, the way society makes them out to be, that is obvious. But it's also obvious there are many loving, unselfish parents in this world. You just have to look around... if you care. :)
(By the way, this is the same person on a different ID)
I do not deny that there are parents who are loving and caring. But be they good parents or bad parents, I still don't understand the reasons that drive them to make this "investment". Why do they do it?
Many, many years ago, when I was dating my wife, she announced one day out of the clear-blue; "You know, if we ever get married, I don't want to have kids, at least, not for a while". Verbally, my response was "OK, that's fine with me".
Internally, I had two reactions almost simultaneously. The first was; "Whew, that's a relief! I REALLY didn't want kids either". The second reaction was recognition that if she had just said the opposite; "I love kids, and I want as many as possible as soon as possible"; that I would have simply accepted that as a fact-of-life, and gone along with it. The horror of that second recognition was that this simple acquiescence lacking any active motivation is probably exactly what creates bad parents, and bad parents create bad kids who in turn, etc, etc...
So, if raising a family has a rationale beyond just "doing what's expected", then what is it? Is it more than just getting a warm-feeling inside when you see a wiggly infant, or is that emotion really all there is? And if that warm-feeling is so universal that it doesn't need any articulation, how curious it is that I don't share it. And I wonder if there is anyone else on the planet that lacks that warm-feeling also.
Well, when I started this group, I knew that there were chances of parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. joining to defend their choice of having children. I understand that people must reprocreate but not everybody should. There are lots of people who have no business being parents for several reasons that are harmful to the child. Luckily, some are smart enough to know that they would be lousy parents and don't want to subject any kids to a nightmare upbringing. Some women have never developed maternal instincts. I didn't. I grew up as an only child, did not live even close to my relatives (they were in Washington & Idaho - I was in Kansas), did not babysit, witnessed my parents fighting, mother did not go say goodbye to her mother when she died in '68. It is getting late for me so I must leave. I will try to add on more later.
If we don't feel it's our obligation to justify our choices to others, then why should they sign on here and justify theirs to us? That was my point. I think the real question posed here is, "What is love?" Apply that to your own selves. Did you get married just to have sex? Just to have another live body in the house, so you won't be alone? To get more attention? To brag to your friends? To have someone help with financial expenses? To impress people walking down the street? Etc.
Great question - my first response is 'conditioning' and second is 'perceived moral imperative' - when i was in my twenties i didn't want kids and thought well, the only reason to marry someone is to have kids...a guy i worked with who was the same age and very catholic reasoned that people like me will regret not having kids cuz i won't have anybody to take care of me when i get old - what a rationale?? - well after 30 years of marriage i rationalize my own decision not to have kids: i'm selfish, too bad... i know i'm missing out on never having to go to walmart...
I just joined this group and read this boom. Wow...some controversy going on here! My only answer is: I don't have a maternal instinct. I honestly never wanted children. Most of my friends and my sister have children. I absolutely adored everyone else's kids...but just never wanted any of my own. And, I loved being a part of my nephew's..2 of them..and my one niece's lives. I love my niece am so glad my sister wanted kids so I have her, but not all of the child-rearing issues. Actually, she's now 31 years old and is one of my best friends. Guess I have the best of both worlds.
Someone mentioned something about having kids so you have someone to take care of you in old age...that is not a reason to have them. Maybe in the past kids took care of their parents. I know I did. But, do today's kids think like we did about this issue. I don't know. If you have kids, have them because you love kids.
